Tag Archives: tonglen meditation

And I Would Do Just About Anything For You

4 Jan

  On a day when so much progress was made with someone who could actually be someone, and somehow I also got so much work done, just like a real and functioning human, the thing that has made me cry as I go to sleep is this:

“It’s my birthday on Thursd–”

“I know.”

The most important person knows and I don’t even have to finish. The strangely strangulating tears come now because I know how much he truly holds me dear, and now we both know that it won’t change a thing. 

I know, too. 

And I hold in my hand the book he sent me for Christmas, and I pull the pile of blankets up over my hooded-sweatshirt self while outside the temperature drops to the billions of degrees below freezing it was the day I was born, and I choke like one of those movie weepers. Because this birthday was already the worst by a factor of eighty (picked the wrong holiday season to quit SSRIs, hah-cha-cha-chaaa). And now it’s just brutally even more distant from anyone who knows. It’s the most self-indulgent form of loneliness that a person can have in a city of eight million, but it’s distinctly my own. Or maybe it’s someone else’s, too. So I’ll write about it, and hope it gives them somewhere to put this weird angst, too. 

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